In Further News is a satirical series of news articles, claiming to be “Fake News Realer Than Anything Else You’ll Read.” Any likeness to any real persons is coincidental, unless it’s someone famous, because they probably won’t sue us. If you feel you are the subject of this article you can mail your complaints to P.O. Box 5469, Fishhaven, Wyoming, 82001.
LOCAL – Lubbock Christian University student, Kelly Schaal, a senior and member of social club Mu Mu Mu, claims he has been ostracized from his fellow students for “not being funny.” Schaal, famous for forcing the catchphrase, “Wiggidy Wiggidy Slam Jam,” says that he thinks he has a great sense of humor, and that anyone who says he is not funny is just jealous of his good looks. When our reporters asked Schaal if he could elaborate his response was “Your mom.”
Before we go further, I would like to point out that this article not autobiographical. Even though, if you know me, it may appear to be so.
Since comedy is subjective, we here at In Further News know that not everyone is funny in the same way. For instance, it is unfair to compare Airplane to Tropic Thunder, since both rely on different styles of comedy. It is also unfair to compare Blazing Saddles to The Ridiculous Six, because The Ridiculous Six was horrible and does not deserve the honor and merit to even be mentioned in the same sentence as Blazing Saddles.
But after my argument with Larry the Intern about how Blazing Saddles is far superior to the entire body of Adam Sandler’s work combined, I went across campus in order to take a comprehensive look at whether or not Kelly Schaal is funny.
“I never really thought Kelly ever joked,” Barbara Rhouten, friend of Schaal, said. “He just says things like ‘You’re stupid,’ or ‘You’re an idiot,’ then laughs really loud. It may be that there’s a sub-text or irony I’m not getting, but I’m pretty sure Kelly is just a jerk.”
“He’s the highlight of my classes,” Clown College Professor and noted sadist Dr. Charles Roman said. “Because every time he speaks up, there’s this wonderful, crushing, awkward silence. The camaraderie disappears and I can feel the pure hatred of his classmates building.”
“I think he’s a funny guy,” Mill Udder, a fellow Mu Mu Mu member, said. “In fact, you could say he’s ‘pun-derful.’ You could say he’s ‘hil-hair-ious.’ You know, because he has hair and stuff.”
After a two-minute conversation with Mill Udder, Larry the Intern had to be prevented from clawing his own ears off.
After days of research, we created a comprehensive list of Schaal’s annoying habits: endlessly repeating outdated Internet memes, showing people strange YouTube video on his phone while they should be focusing on something important, singing the same song over and over again, screaming randomly, poking and prodding people who tell him to stop, telling jokes he read on theblaze.com, insulting people without even the basest creativity, using sarcasm all the time, and saying he will do something, followed by shouting, “NOT!”
When faced with the list, Schaal insisted, “They just don’t get my humor. It’s not your average ‘tell a joke and get laughs’ type of joke. It’s a thinking man’s humor. For instance, I love Anti-Jokes; they’re brilliant, because the point of them is to not be funny!”
In some ways, we all know a Kelly Schaal. If you do not know one, then you probably are one. But what we must emphasize is that Kelly Schaal represents an archetype, a comedic sensibility, a slice of life. In some ways, it’s up to us to figure out what that means. Because whether it’s dry wit, farce, imitation, shock value, or even humor as terrible as Schaal’s, the true secret to comedy is…
I’m Brandon Greer, and this is In Further News.