By Brandon Greer
In Further News is a satirical set of articles, claiming to be “Fake News Realer Than Anything Else You’ll Read.” Do not go to In Further News expecting informative news; getting all of your up-to-date information from In Further News would be as stupid as getting it all from Fox or CNN.
Welcome to a new semester of school, everyone! If you are reading this, you are officially a new student at Lubbock Christian University. Or a returning one. Or my stalker. To honor this momentous occasion, I wanted to do an article on the current state of affairs at LCU. However, since there has been confusion in the past over some of my articles (let’s put the “Chap-ocalypse” incident behind us), I have decided to write an editorial to ease you into a set of papers that I’m pretty sure only the professors read.
Today’s topic, which was picked from a bunch of ripped-up slips of paper in a hat, taped to a roulette wheel, and spun vigorously until it flew off and landed on a Bingo ball, is Tough Choices.
Everyone reading this is facing tough choices right now. If you are a registered voter, you have to choose between a morally loose individual who will constantly change her opinions and policies to gain votes in a given state, or a morally loose individual who will constantly change his opinions and policies to gain votes in a given state. If you are a freshman, you have to choose between making new friends who will engage in extracurricular activities with you or actually getting an education. If you are my stalker, you will have to choose between chloroforming me in the dead of night or faking a flat tire in order to shove me into a van. Everyone has to face tough choices.
If you will excuse me, I am now going to be “that guy” for a paragraph: YOUR PARENTS JUST MADE A TOUGH CHOICE BECAUSE THEY HAD TO LET YOU GO AND SEE YOU GROW UP. CALL YOUR MOTHER, SHE MISSES YOU ALREADY. AND YOUR DAD DOESN’T SAY IT, BUT HE LOVES YOU TOO, AND THEY WANT TO TALK TO YOU SO CALL THEM.
Sorry to get personal. But getting to the point of this paper, here is some sage advice from me, the individual too incompetent to keep his last job: Tough choices cannot be decided quickly. In The Wrath of Khan, when Spock had to choose between saving the ship and saving his own life, he jumped into the radiation room without a second thought and died to save the crew. Wait, that’s not a good example. Well, in Twilight, when Bella had to choose between Edward and Jacob…maybe that’s not relatable enough. Anyway, when my stalker had to decide whether or not to friend me on Facebook pretending to be my long-lost cousin, he took a lot of time to decide whether or not he should. And you should too.
Tough choices cannot be quickly solved. There are ramifications and consequences for every single action. Ever heard of The Butterfly Effect? Well, I wish I hadn’t. Back on topic, the decisions that we make affect not only our lives, but the lives of people around us. If you wish to influence people in a good way with your decisions, then take the opportunity to ask people for help. No man is an island, or a river, or the delta at the end of a river, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that you find the people in your life that can help you make the tough decisions. All jokes aside, no matter who you are or where you come from, you will be able to find some of them here, at LCU.
Normally, the last paragraph is used for affirming the above statement, ending with a “Call to Action.” Instead, I’m going to plug my In Further News blog, which is filled with all of the stuff I could not get away with publishing with the Duster: infurthernews.wordpress.com
As always, I’m Brandon Greer, and this is In Further News.