In Further News: First Cyborgs Become Lazy Bums


TECHNOLOGY – In the San Francisco Bay area, Howard T. Clark, a mechanical engineer, has created the first cyborgs. He did this by replacing their brains with laptop processors with high-power fans. Clark commented, “This is the next step in human evolution, just as Darwin intended it.” Darwin was unavailable for comment.

The cyborgs are two college students, Gertrude Redinger and Richard Griffin. Both attend the University of San Francisco, one as a Pre-Law major and one as a Creative Dramatics Therapy Major with Minors in Theatrical Education and Clown College. Clark chose the two students as part of an arduous selection process for the first humans to become cybernetic Internet searchers. According to Griffin and Redinger, they participated because they were promised “experience” and “extra credit.”
“We gave them computer processor brains, then robot arms with grappling hook extensions,” Clark said. “We also gave them bionic eyes that you can look through from the back of their heads. I got the idea from a doll I had as a kid.”

However, the cyborgs have experienced unintended reactions to their new cybernetics, sources say. The pair of students have chosen to lie around on their couch for the rest of their days. When asked if they wanted to go outside, Redinger and Griffin said, “Meh,” and “Yeah, yeah, just let me do this real quick.” Mary Mayorga, Representative for the University of San Francisco, claimed, “They’ve become lazy bums!”

“In a million years, we could never have expected something like this,” Clark said. “But we probably should have.”

Redinger and Griffin did speak with our San Francisco In Further News correspondent, but the interview consisted of “Text-Speak” mixed with AutoCorrected misunderstandings.

I’m Brandon Greer and this is In Further News.


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